modesty

What an eye opener...
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
guys, check it out to sign the petition.
girls, browse through it to get a better understanding of modesty. Get ready to be convicted!

golden anniversary

I want to make it to fifty years. Of something. It doesn't even have to be marriage. Just a committment that I have followed through with for half a century. What an accomplishment. Right now, I can't even see the point of getting a degree in five years. Much less that large of a dedication. Geez, no wonder I am not ready to be out on my own. Or to be tearing someone else down beside me.
A few other thoughts...
Am I really that much like my mother that we ALWAYS fight?
Why is that the people I love the most make me the most upset?
How am I going to complete even half of the things I am expected to do in the time I have?

alone

In a room filled with people I know, surrounded by dozens of friends, yet all by myself.

not fit

So there are these verses in the Bible that say not to let people look down on you for being young. But that isn't the case. Its not even feelings of inadequacy. Its just a lack of feeling. There is nothing there. I can say all the right things and make it look like I am solid in my relationship with God. But it is so far from the truth. Last night I couldn't sleep. Some things were bugging me so I curled up in a ball, let God have a piece of my mind, and cried. Just wept like I can't remember the last time. I haven't received any thundering responses yet. Basically I still know what I am called to as of this moment (be a student, work a little, etc.). I just keeping thinking how easy it is to give up rather than give in to all this fake happiness stuff. Am I really entertaining thoughts of suicide when I realize how simple it is to pull into oncoming traffic? The thing is I am way too rational to even do such a thing so no worries about my personal safety, or the safety of others around me for that matter. But who actually has these things run through their mind. Therefore. Leadership would be bad for an individual in this condition. Whatever condition I'm in. The sooner I figure it out, the better, then I can fix this.

imitation

I am so good at faking it you have no idea. The thing is, as far as I can tell, everyone buys it. I am so weak that I will not ask for help or admit to failure. I used to blame my pride for problems like this. But let's be honest, my weakness silently muffles its scream at times like this. I am so frightened of being vulnerable with someone that God forbid they might understand and have pity. So I manage on my own. Distancing myself from the possibility of emotional intimacy. Aren't girls supposed to be good at talking through things and explaining exactly what is troubling their minds. Somewhere along the way, I missed that part of life training. I must have been playing with test tubes or something.
Supposedly, the solution I should be looking for is a break. You know, a real, lounge, unwind, veg break. As if I didn't just have one of those for three weeks. Sounds like a long enough break for a grown individual. At this point in life, I don't have that freedom to get away from everything. Actually, I doubt there will ever be a point that 'spontaneous vacation' is even a remote possibility. Sure, I could go home and never take off my pajamas, while everyone else is traveling or improving our community. And that's not even more depressing or convicting?
Whatever, I just wait for the next good day to come along then I can get by for a while.

Why live life from dream to dream?

There are a billion things in this world I don't understand and can't explain. Pretty much at the top of my list are my own conflicting emotions. I can't really even explain it. Its all the strange thoughts floating around in my head. Thoughts that give me anxiety attacks, make start to break down for no decent reason, or just create a general feeling of tiredness. I can't perform as well, work as fast, or sleep as little. I no longer enjoy the things that usually bring me fulfillment and joy. I have become such an introvert, and seclusion that I haven't forced myself into for years. All I want to do is spend day and night sleeping. I suppose the easy answer would be to get over and push every weakness aside. Or the obvious answer, that God should be my only source of fulfillment and joy so my life and emptiness is simply a justification of something I've known all along just decide not to apply. Since, none of this makes any sense I should really get ahold of myself.
PS- I'm not even talking about anything drastic. Well, besides another night of teary worries before drifting off to sleep.

dentist

*dec05*
Dental Hygenist: "If you don't floss, you are going to get cavities between your teeth."
I've flossed every night since then.

*dec06*
Dental Hygenist: "If you don't aggressively floss your gums, you are going to develop gingivitis."

I was never scared of the dentist even though they yanked out four perfectly good teeth. They just know how to effectively threaten you into action.

Mary Poppins

"Practically perfect people never let sentiment muddle their thinking."

grades

just hanging on to that 3.0
thank goodness

colorgenics

You don't need anxiety and problems. All you really seek is a conflict free environment which can offer peace and mental security. You don't like the idea of being alone and, whatever the reason, at this time of your life you feel as if you are being 'left out'. What you really need is perhaps some 'tender loving care'.

Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

~I just stumbled across this new personality test kinda skeptical but the weird thing is how accurate this is...

I am scared.

I fear...
rejection,
hurt,
and most of all, being loved back.

I have no idea what I am doing. I am tired of feeling this way. Frustrated from this rollercoaster ride filled with smiles and lots of doubt.

wonder

I wish I could marvel at my Creator the way baby kitty is enthralled by the melting of an ice cube in her water bowl.

oh, kids

Too bad the love of my life is only 4 and thinks that I smell like chicken. And I admire the fashion sense of a 3 yr old.

ditzy day

Well, this day didn't go quite as planned.
I've been sick. But the Health Center takes 48 hours to give me any medicine for the strep that I am almost certain that I have. Whatever. Tuesday night aka Halloween I slept from 6-10, 12-8, and 11-1. And you still want to tell me its a cold? Right.
So, my day. Missed the bus. Late to set up SWE stuff at the Bonderson bldg. Walked from SWE office to Bonderson to Aero Hangar to Bonderson to SWE office.
Went to the Well. Realized the truth of something I knew all along. That distancing myself really would create beneficial results. Hindsight is 20/20. Walked all the way to the library to realize I forgot my $130 pchem book on the chair basket. Back to the spider bldg to go back to the library. I can't believe I forgot it. I had to walk in the middle of this other class and sneak up to the front row and run back out. So embarrassing.
Math dept office(an unsuccessful trip at that too) to bldg 41 to just get back to our dungeon.
Came back to campus and had to park on Slack and bike across campus. Its been a long day, and tomorrow should be interesting since I am not nearly as prepared as I should be.
The one thing I learned today at the Well was to spend time before the Lord before I tackle my day. So in a few hours, early this morning, I am dedicating a chunk of time to be still before I run around crazy styl. Again.

the pursuit of our pursuing God

Fall Retreat 06. Hume Lake. October 27-29. Simply amazing. The location, the speaker, the worship, the presence of God, and the people. I got up there late due to class until 4, blah, and unfortunately missed the Friday night message. Everything else was wonderful. I got to lead a Dgroup which was a great change from processing. The timing was so perfect, that I could deal with things during our weekend away. PTL that I don't have a ton of homework. So, I am gonna jot down a few things that stuck out to me...

• Saturday am
• God has already initiated with us: thank goodness too. This is where I have been so frustrated with friendships. If I am always the one starting conversation and initiating hang out time, does this person really enjoy being with me? But God always extends Himself to us first. The perfect friend in every way. Yet, I look to friends and as humans they always disappoint. And I let them down. Alot.
• Acts 2:42-47
• Saturday pm
• Ephesians 6:23&24
• Revelation 2:1-7
• Does it matter to God if my heart beats a little bit faster when I think of Him? YES! And I pray that it would be so every moment of my entire life.
• 1 Corinthians 16:22
• Remember when you first learned the reality that God was pursuing you: Jim Elliot interview. Was God far away from you? Or were you far away from God?
• Repent. What is keeping you separated from God?
• Do the things you used to do when you felt the things you used to feel about Him.
• Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.
  
• Women's time
• Hosea 2:14-17, 19&20
• Steals: us away from distractions. Allure. The God of the universe wants to spend quality one-on-one time with us.
• Reclaims: choose to call the Lord "my husband." He is so worthy of it.
• Restores: you shall know the Lord. The way a husband and wife know one another. Betrothed means to woe a virgin. But our hearts are far from pure and chaste. We are the brides of Jesus no matter our relationship status.
• Come broken and empty to find redemption.
• His love is eternal, jealous, and beyond worth it.
• Sunday am
• Our main purpose-impact the world and populate heaven.
• A witness gives a testimony for what they believe is true.
• Acts 8:26-38
• Look and pray for open doors. But watch out and get ready because God will answer.
• a successful witness takes the initiative by the power of the Holy Spirit and leaves the rest up to God.
• Isaiah 40:27-31

Basically, I learned a bunch straight from the heart of God. Some of the other things that weren't in the main message...
Kit spoke during women's time and gave us a chance to spread out and have some reflection time. I listed all the things preventing my restoration with God. Then wrote down everything that brings joy to my life. Sounds cheesy but it is such a release. Try it. I was so convicted about this one verse that I had to wonder, "Would I be able to say that my only identity is as a child of God?"
The chapel was decorated with posters that named pursuers of God. People such as Moses, Ruth, Paul Rahab, Caleb, Luke, Martha, David, Solomon, and the list goes on. But one poster had a big blank with (your name here). Wow.
We got to Skpe call the STINT team. The team put together a really cute video too. Makes me miss the campus and students so much. PTL that they are over there investing in eternity.God is doing big things.
Not really sure how to end this other than I really pray that my pursuit would be a moment by moment joy to serve my Creator.

ouch

Random phone call I got Friday night eating out with my parents...
"Hi, this is Kim."
"Hi, this is some guy from somewhere."
"Um, uh, hi?"
"I wanted to call about something or other..."
"I'm sorry. I'm confused."
"Wait. You don't work at the T.V. station?"
"No. I think you have the wrong number."
"Yeah. I think so too."
"Ok, sorry. Bye!"
Poor guy got the wrong number. Denied in a very round about way. Hopefully whoever it was did it on purpose. She better not be using the same fake number either. I don't really want to have all these random, confusing conversations regularly.
Especially after the drive I had. I stopped at the sketchiest gas station this side of the Mississippi. Ugh, those bikers. I wanted to karate chop them in half simply for the way they were looking at me. I guess this explains why I am a fan of HollaBack NYC. Although not exactly the safest conditions to snap their picture. That would probably have been the second worse decision of the night(right after actually stopping there instead of looking for another bathroom). Might have been the first time I wish I was traveling with an over-protective guy friend(a.k.a. a boyfriend). Oh well, God kept me safe. And He should keep me from contracting any strange diseases. That will NEVER happen again. blah.

lifetime goals

So I'm feeling a little inspiration and wanted to start one of those ongoing posts that I occasionally come back to edit. Lets start...

know Jesus. pray continually. read the Bible daily. go to church every Sunday. have kids. fall in love first. read every classic novel. see the world. learn to be more artistic. speak better. go backpacking. complain less. laugh more. learn to sing. learn to play guitar. learn something everyday. eat healthy. swim more. run more. enjoy the sunshine. get a dog. always have more than one cat. be spontaneous. climb a mountain.

Unashamed Love by Lamont Hiebert

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place
Worthy, You are worthy

Of a childlike faith
Of my honest praise
Of my unashamed love
Of a holy life
Of my sacrifice
Of my unashamed love

I open up my heart and let my spirit worship yours
I open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth
Worthy, You are worthy

Of a childlike faith
Of my honest praise
Of my unashamed love
Of my holy life
Of my sacrifice
Of my unashamed love

backyard camping

So, yesterday I get home around 5:30 after being on the go since 9. I honestly felt like doing nothing for an hour, not socializing, not being anywhere, just sitting for a change with nothing on my mind or a place to rush off to. I got ready at a very slow pace. Got to the overnighter and definitely did not feel like mingling. Mingling is so difficult. Every conversation is so surfacy and is at such a high, perky level that it drains me really quickly. I ended up having some good conversations with people I never get the chance to spend time with. (I am beginning to think that my "love language" is quality time. But that is a different discussion for a different time and place.) I ended up having a really great time and even gave in to spending the night. I think I slept more and better camping than I would have at home. I am just glad that I can honestly look at my friends pictures and say, "Yes, I really was having a good time and that isn't a fake smile."
One other thing, we enjoyed a little p&w this morning, and I realized something. The love of Christ really does take my breath away and make me weak in the knees when I attempt to comprehend it and all those other emotions seen in chick flicks. Simply put, its good to be in love with Someone so wonderful as God of the universe.

giving it up to keep

Its hard to take a step back and realize what's going on in my head. Its everything that I can identify and warn against in other's lives but so hard to acknowledge in my own. So I have decided to back off a friendship to keep it. Backward thinking, I know, but the way I jump to conclusions, its the only safe route to go. Its frustrating not being able to be the one to initiate. My only responsibility is to protect my heart. Why is it such a disappointment though?