not fit

So there are these verses in the Bible that say not to let people look down on you for being young. But that isn't the case. Its not even feelings of inadequacy. Its just a lack of feeling. There is nothing there. I can say all the right things and make it look like I am solid in my relationship with God. But it is so far from the truth. Last night I couldn't sleep. Some things were bugging me so I curled up in a ball, let God have a piece of my mind, and cried. Just wept like I can't remember the last time. I haven't received any thundering responses yet. Basically I still know what I am called to as of this moment (be a student, work a little, etc.). I just keeping thinking how easy it is to give up rather than give in to all this fake happiness stuff. Am I really entertaining thoughts of suicide when I realize how simple it is to pull into oncoming traffic? The thing is I am way too rational to even do such a thing so no worries about my personal safety, or the safety of others around me for that matter. But who actually has these things run through their mind. Therefore. Leadership would be bad for an individual in this condition. Whatever condition I'm in. The sooner I figure it out, the better, then I can fix this.