one of the best inventions ever

you know the thing that allows you to pull out the kitchen sink faucet and its got the little hose that lets it extend. I'm not even sure what its called but its a miracle for dishwashing. love it!

before I sell back my textbook...

"He wanted to remain like that for ever, with his heart hurting him in a pain that was also life to him." -D. H. Lawrence, "The Horse Dealers Daughter"

"'The tragedy is not how one dies ,' he thought. 'It is how one lived.'" - Salman Rushdie, "Chekov and Zulu"

microvoids are cool

I realized that I don't express my gratefulness often enough. I am really good at complaining, but I've known that for a while now. So, here it is, some gratitude! And it even concerns the things I am filling my poor, tired brain with...
These images are taken on a fancy microscope (SEM) and I LOVE them. I didn't take them, but I think they are beautiful. They are both fracture surfaces of a 1018 steel tensile test. This is a cup and cone fracture characterized by all the microvoid coalescence (dimples). Each one of those is a little tiny particle nucleating, creating localized strain that leads to necking and fracture. Basically the material tears away in little sections from these voids. crazy huh?

can I . . .

just go to sleep, wake up, and have everything sorted out?

quotes from Amazing Grace (the movie)

''It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everybody else, and still unknown to himself." - Francis Bacon
"I'm a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." -John Newton
"God sometimes does His work with gentle drizzle, not storms." -John Newton

teach God

It is impossible not to teach children about God, because not to teach them is to teach them plenty. It teaches them that Jesus does not matter much, that Mom and Dad don't consider him nearly as important or exciting as new furniture, or weekends at the lake, or Dad's job or all the other things that fill their conversation. Silence about Christ is dogma. Not to teach the infinite value of Christ is to teach that he is negligible. -John Piper, Will the Next Generation Know
http://www.theresurgence.com/john_piper_1982-07-25_will_the_next_generation_know

obsession

"I can sing songs of death. I've seen a lot of it. But I'm obsessed with life."
-Johnny Cash

Maybe

I dwell on the past too much.
I am incapable of being detached from those who pay attention.
I've forgotten the things that made me drawn to God.
it feels too late to try and start over again.
I'm best at fooling myself.
I don't understand a thing going on in my life.
Maybe I'm not supposed to.

its come up multiple times already today, and I'm not entirely sure why...

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. -Romans 8:1&2

Psalm 91

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. 8 But you will see it with your eyes; you will see how the wicked are punished. If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone. You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation."

orphan

"That is a BRIGHT orange shirt."
Luckily, I like orange although I don't get the chance to wear it that often except for the last two days. There have been 700 orange "orphan" shirts roaming about campus. Why? I wasn't sure at first either and was quite skeptical. Until a friend set me straight and I caught the vision. So, these shirts are to raise awareness for children in Africa orphaned by AIDS. Something I don't know a whole lot about or experienced personally. But I am continually learning about compassion and how it plays out in my life. So if its as simple as hurting for people across the world, wearing the same shirt for two days(don't worry I washed it in between :), and explaining to others that the "Experience Africa" tent is coming to campus next week - I can manage. Its even a little uncomfortable at times but that is what stretching is all about. Check it out.
impact1.org

Divine Romance by Phil Wickham

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
I rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

bomb diggity

That's right. The madness last week paid off. Well at least in the areas that it counts. 96 on thermo, 95 in english, passed the GWR, and a 72 in circuits. So as always there is room for improvement.
Veterans Day can't come fast enough. I need breathing time.

bleck

Given:
1) the time that I have (until about 6:25am tomorrow)
2) everything that needs to be done (lead Bible study, study thermo, study circuits, plan my discipleship appointment, read for corporate culture, and finish my lab report)

Find:
1) enough time, energy, and focus to accomplish it all
2) the chance of sleeping

didn't even know I could enjoy "Heart of Darkness"

"No, I don't like work. I had rather laze about and think of all the fine things that can be done. I don't like work - no man does - but I like what is in work, - the chance to find yourself. Your own reality - for yourself, not for others - what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means." -Joseph Conrad

dreary

I've been whallowing recently. Its been raining on and off which is bad news since there is a "What Not To Wear" marathon. I kinda feel like despairing because my life has only been school since classes started. I barely have time to sleep let alone enjoyable break time. I just keep pushing myself though. To find my limits, I suppose? I have to remember some days to just get through or wait until the weekend. Right now, there isn't breathing time until about late Wednesday afternoon. So I think I will finish my hot chocolate and write one of my lab reports. I have to wonder sometimes if the challenge is worth it.

not perfect

So I haven't been reading the Bible. Not on my own. Or on a regular basis. This didn't used to be such a struggle for me so its really humbling to have to tell the blog world. The bad part is I haven't found the piece of motivation to get me to open the Book up again. And I feel a little guilty for not feeling guilty. Is that possible?
The part I'm wondering about is the distance I'm feeling. I mean there is always distance because I'm a pretty screwed up sinner who can't even remember, much less follow, the only two commandments He's given me. But is there really a spiritual distance? Or is it just me feeling that my attempts are less than perfect?

I Timothy 4:9-10

"This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe."

Ongoing great quotes from The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

"It is curious how sometimes the memory of death lives on for so much longer than the memory of the life that it purloined."

"She had absurdly beautiful collarbones and a nice athletic run."

"That the emptiness in one twin was only a version of the quietness in the other. That the two things fitted together. Like stacked spoons. Like familiar lovers' bodies."

"Ammu checked them for deformities before she closed her eyes and slept. She counted four eyes, four ears, two mouths, two noses, twenty fingers and twenty perfect toe-nails."

"The twin were too young to understand all this, so Baby Kochamma grudged them their moments of high happiness when a dragonfly they'd caught lifted a small stone off their palms with its legs, or when they had permission to bathe the pigs, or they found an egg hot from a hen. But most of all, she grudged them the comfort they drew from each other. She expected from then some token unhappiness. At the very least."

"'But we can't go in,' Chacko explained, 'because we're locked out. And when we look in through the windows, all we see are shadows. And when we try and listen, all we hear is a whispering. And we cannot understand the whispering, because our minds have been invaded by war. A war that we have won and lost. The very worst sort of war. A war that captures dreams and re-dreams them. A war that has made us adore our conquerors and despise ourselves.' ... 'We're prisoners of War,' Chacko said. "Our dreams have been doctored. We belong nowhere. We sail unanchored on troubled seas. We may never be allowed ashore. Our sorrows will never be sad enough. Our joys never happy enough. Our dreams never big enough. Our lives never important enough. To matter.'"

"This was the trouble with families. Like invidious doctors, they knew just where it hurt."

"... he wobbled off with less than half the money he had asked for and less than a tenth of what he deserved."

"The obsessive cleanliness of the room was the only positive sign of volition from Estha. The only faint suggestion that he had, perhaps, some Design for Life. Just the whisper of an unwillingness to subsist on scraps offered by others."

"The slow ceiling fan sliced the thick, frightened air into an unending spiral that spun slowly to the floor like the peeled skin of an endless potato."

all because I am procrastinating on a paper due by midnight...

major change? or major focus?

So, I've decided I'm not so sure about my major anymore. Along the lines of not wanting to be an engineer anymore. But it almost feels too late. I've put in over three years worth toward this degree and nothing at this point, nothing is gonna stop me. There is too much sleep-deprivation, sweat, tears, and stress to let it all go to waste.
Its just after working this summer as an intern. Which was an awesome expereience and even though it wasn't technically an engineering internship I realized I don't want to do that for the rest of my life. (They really just need somebody comfortable with Excel and is pretty sharp with their technical skills.) I just don't want the rest of my life to take place behind a desk. So there are a lot of ideas floating around in my mind. Most of which I'm not comfortable sharing with everyone. When I say that I don't really want to be an engineer anymore, people always jump to asking what I'm going to switch my major to. But I just like to think of it as narrowing down my decision of a career in my major.

the English language

A couple of definitions courtesy of dictionary.com:
~Infinite - immeasurably great, or unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration of time, etc.
~Infinitesimal - indefinitely or exceedingly small, minute, or immeasurably small
My point: I've come to realize that it bothers me that the root word of infinitesimal is infinite when they mean completely contradictory things.
Not that it skews space-time continuum or anything. Just an observation and questioning that only lasted about .342 seconds. But enough of a thought to blog about it. Not that any part of my life actually deserves a reader or commentary to begin with. So thanks for your participation.

love it! :)

Singleness...

"and all else that is less than perfect in this world, was not God's original plan for his creation. It was one of the many results of man's fall. Thus Jesus' singleness would not be sin but a participation in the calamities of the fallen world, like his morality." -Margaret Clarkson, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

socializing

When did the rules change from "don't talk to strangers" to "be able to initiate sparkling conversation with random-person-next-to-you-in-line"? I happen to be really comfortable and capable with the first rule but haven't made the switch to scenario two yet.

observations

* People park the worst when going to the gym.
* I drove by some roadkill on my way home. It was some kind of a bird, and the way it was laying on the road, the wing flapped everytime a car passed by. Is it extremely weird and rotten that this was amusing to me?
* People assume a lot about you from your car.
* As much as those special cardio machines are designed to burn calories faster, I still love the feeling of pounding out my stress and worries by running - outside preferably but a treadmill will do.

my love language

According to this online quizhttp://edified.org/myspace/lovelanguage...
Your Detailed Results:
Physical Touch: 12
Quality Time: 6
Acts of Service: 6
Words of Affirmation: 5
Receiving Gifts: 1

wasn't expecting that one.

"Which is better: cheap happiness or sublime suffering?"

"What concerns me in particular, is that in my life I've only taken to the extreme that which you haven't even dared to take halfway; what's more, you've mistaken your cowardice for good sense; and, in so deceiving yourself, you've consoled yourself. So, in fact, I may even be 'more alive' than you are. Just take a closer look!"
-Notes From Underground by Dostoevsky

nevermind

sometimes i forget that God finds me completely irresistable. Sometimes i get caught feeling too much. Sometimes I need to remember my own advice - no one is rejecting you because God has got his Almighty hands wrapped tightly around your heart and future. Maybe things can't be peachy all the time but when was that EVER promised to you.

worth fighting for

"Mother Kite once sent her daughter to bring food. She went and brought back a duckling. 'You have done very well,' said Mother Kite to her daughter, 'but tell me, what did the mother of this duckling say when you swooped and carried its child away?' 'It said nothing,' replied the young kite. 'It just walked away.' 'You must return the duckling,' said Mother Kite. 'There is something omnious behind the silence.' And so Daughter Kite returned the duckling and took a chick instead. 'What did the mother of this chick do?' asked the old kite. 'It cried and raved and cursed me,' said the young kite. 'Then we can eat the chick,' said her mother. 'There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts.'"
-Achebe, Things Fall Apart

ouchie

sometimes i wonder if God is holding back on me. sometimes i have a hard time believing that not having something is actually better for me. sometimes i hurt too much about little things.

oh, english

if spouse is like mouse, and mouses are mice, are spouses spice?

spiders!

A week ago, there was a gigantic spider in our living room. I am talking big and black and spidery. There was no way I could reach and no reason that I would actually want to. After some scheming, I had a broom handle ready for attack and stood on our step stool ladder. He fell down the wall. Trust me, there was plenty of squealing and raid-spraying involved in about 30 seconds, I nicknamed him Goliath, who still remains at large in our living room to this day. All I kept thinking was how I needed a warrior to take care of the situation.
This morning, Goliath's little nephew was in my closet. No screeching involved this time. And a successful kill too, if I am allowed to boast like that.

one down!

I have completed a newspaper crossword puzzle for the first time ever. With K's help and Google as our resource. But seriously, some intense brain power was at work. Plus we learned alot and expanded our vocabulary!

hard?

That's not usually the reposnse you hear after a retreat weekend. And it wasn't even super challenging, although I didn't mind all the relaxing and advice that came my way. Lately, its just been such a struggle to feel anything. I still read and sing, but its just a process of going through the motions. At times, I feel like a parrot sharing spiritual truths with people without actually believing it deep inside myself. Its not necessarily a period of doubt either, because I still have to acknowledge God's creation, work and presence. But I am so far from His presence. There is no reponse within my heart or desire within my soul to keep searching for Him. Someone made the comment about making a list of everything you enjoy about God and that brings you closer again t Him after a period of doubt and drought. But in the desert, is there actually anything that I do still enjoy or place full faith in? The list should be endless, but everything that has popped into my head has also been shot down. And the other problem, how much of my struggle am I supposed to share with others? I am supposed to be a leader and its hard to admit the sin in my life to people that look up to me. No one around me has the time or advice to help me through it, so God has to bring me through the storm and then they can all share the victory beside me.

modesty

What an eye opener...
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
guys, check it out to sign the petition.
girls, browse through it to get a better understanding of modesty. Get ready to be convicted!

golden anniversary

I want to make it to fifty years. Of something. It doesn't even have to be marriage. Just a committment that I have followed through with for half a century. What an accomplishment. Right now, I can't even see the point of getting a degree in five years. Much less that large of a dedication. Geez, no wonder I am not ready to be out on my own. Or to be tearing someone else down beside me.
A few other thoughts...
Am I really that much like my mother that we ALWAYS fight?
Why is that the people I love the most make me the most upset?
How am I going to complete even half of the things I am expected to do in the time I have?

alone

In a room filled with people I know, surrounded by dozens of friends, yet all by myself.

not fit

So there are these verses in the Bible that say not to let people look down on you for being young. But that isn't the case. Its not even feelings of inadequacy. Its just a lack of feeling. There is nothing there. I can say all the right things and make it look like I am solid in my relationship with God. But it is so far from the truth. Last night I couldn't sleep. Some things were bugging me so I curled up in a ball, let God have a piece of my mind, and cried. Just wept like I can't remember the last time. I haven't received any thundering responses yet. Basically I still know what I am called to as of this moment (be a student, work a little, etc.). I just keeping thinking how easy it is to give up rather than give in to all this fake happiness stuff. Am I really entertaining thoughts of suicide when I realize how simple it is to pull into oncoming traffic? The thing is I am way too rational to even do such a thing so no worries about my personal safety, or the safety of others around me for that matter. But who actually has these things run through their mind. Therefore. Leadership would be bad for an individual in this condition. Whatever condition I'm in. The sooner I figure it out, the better, then I can fix this.

imitation

I am so good at faking it you have no idea. The thing is, as far as I can tell, everyone buys it. I am so weak that I will not ask for help or admit to failure. I used to blame my pride for problems like this. But let's be honest, my weakness silently muffles its scream at times like this. I am so frightened of being vulnerable with someone that God forbid they might understand and have pity. So I manage on my own. Distancing myself from the possibility of emotional intimacy. Aren't girls supposed to be good at talking through things and explaining exactly what is troubling their minds. Somewhere along the way, I missed that part of life training. I must have been playing with test tubes or something.
Supposedly, the solution I should be looking for is a break. You know, a real, lounge, unwind, veg break. As if I didn't just have one of those for three weeks. Sounds like a long enough break for a grown individual. At this point in life, I don't have that freedom to get away from everything. Actually, I doubt there will ever be a point that 'spontaneous vacation' is even a remote possibility. Sure, I could go home and never take off my pajamas, while everyone else is traveling or improving our community. And that's not even more depressing or convicting?
Whatever, I just wait for the next good day to come along then I can get by for a while.

Why live life from dream to dream?

There are a billion things in this world I don't understand and can't explain. Pretty much at the top of my list are my own conflicting emotions. I can't really even explain it. Its all the strange thoughts floating around in my head. Thoughts that give me anxiety attacks, make start to break down for no decent reason, or just create a general feeling of tiredness. I can't perform as well, work as fast, or sleep as little. I no longer enjoy the things that usually bring me fulfillment and joy. I have become such an introvert, and seclusion that I haven't forced myself into for years. All I want to do is spend day and night sleeping. I suppose the easy answer would be to get over and push every weakness aside. Or the obvious answer, that God should be my only source of fulfillment and joy so my life and emptiness is simply a justification of something I've known all along just decide not to apply. Since, none of this makes any sense I should really get ahold of myself.
PS- I'm not even talking about anything drastic. Well, besides another night of teary worries before drifting off to sleep.