hard?

That's not usually the reposnse you hear after a retreat weekend. And it wasn't even super challenging, although I didn't mind all the relaxing and advice that came my way. Lately, its just been such a struggle to feel anything. I still read and sing, but its just a process of going through the motions. At times, I feel like a parrot sharing spiritual truths with people without actually believing it deep inside myself. Its not necessarily a period of doubt either, because I still have to acknowledge God's creation, work and presence. But I am so far from His presence. There is no reponse within my heart or desire within my soul to keep searching for Him. Someone made the comment about making a list of everything you enjoy about God and that brings you closer again t Him after a period of doubt and drought. But in the desert, is there actually anything that I do still enjoy or place full faith in? The list should be endless, but everything that has popped into my head has also been shot down. And the other problem, how much of my struggle am I supposed to share with others? I am supposed to be a leader and its hard to admit the sin in my life to people that look up to me. No one around me has the time or advice to help me through it, so God has to bring me through the storm and then they can all share the victory beside me.