right now

"Lord, help me to glorify You. I am poor - help me to glorify You through contentment. I am sick - help me to honor You through patience. I have talents - help me to praise You by using them for You. I have time, Lord - help me to redeem it by using it to serve You. I have a heart to feel - let me feel no love but Yours, and let my heart glow with no flame but my affection for You. I have a brain to think - help me to think of You.

Lord, You have put me in this world for a reason - show me what that is and help me work out my life purpose. I can't do much, but as the widow put in  her two mites - which was everything she had - I place my time and eternity into Your treasury.

Lord, I am Yours - take me and enable me to glorify You now in everything I say, in everything I do, and with all that I have." - Charles Spurgeon

call it what it is

The church I've been visiting has been going through Genesis. The very beginning with creation and fall of mankind. It hit me though - the passage about taking the fruit Genesis 3:1-7. Eve shows doubt about God's words, just like I do frequently. She got to experience a pure relationship and communion with Him too, up to that point. Not that I get an excuse, not the point I'm after. But doubt is rejecting God's will and Word. Doubt is replacing truth with my preferred reality. My preferences cannot be as good as truth. We so easily admit that we are "doubting God" in some area of our lives. When really it is a whole bundle of rebellious thoughts and actions we are dealing with. I think I would stray further from doubt if I remembered what I was really exchanging God for.

8-8-08!

I forgot that today was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of day. Although they really all should be. But for some reason it compels me to ponder serious thoughts. Through the course of the day, I have realized my misplaced source of fulfillment. Because work is tedious, lunch is alone time, and my friends are gone, does not deserve to change the way I approach the world or define my attitude. My complete fulfillment should be found in my Lord, not people or success. Not that those things are mutually exclusive. 

Another thing, I ask for these chances to show the whole "this is what makes me different," and I consistently choke. I'm just heavily relying on the Spirit to follow up on my vague statements.

again

It wasn't that long ago that I took those pesky standardized tests: SAT, SAT II, and ACT. I remember the preparation, the early mornings, the anxiety, the exhaustion, and the waiting. So I have decided to do it all again! It hit me last night that I have about a month to study for the GRE. Not that I am stressed, just feeling a little crunched for time and lacking discipline. Really, I have no excuse; I should have plenty of time to study. I've heard mixed things about the test itself, SAT on steroids to nothing to worry about. Due to the ambitions of grad school, I am pretty sure its worth worrying about. Or praying and preparing for. Forget the worry part. The sad part is, just like the SATs, I'm having my dad drive me to the test site. My excuse - I will be too tired to drive back myself.

high school

I've come to realize and yet to accept that most of life is a repetition of high school. It wasn't that I had a terrible experience in high school either. I know that it could have been at lot worse. Plus I got a lot out of it, not just educationally, but also spiritually. So there is still much of what I learned that I use regularly.
The realization comes from the fact that the conversations, circumstances, and characteristics remain the same. Especially when it comes to working with a large group of other interns. Most of whom are relocated with quite a bit of time on their hands compared to a typical school schedule. So issues come up. And now that we are independent adults with an income, replays from high school have new elements of magnification with them. People are legal and equipped to have a little too much fun in various areas of entertainment, most of which doesn't make sense to me.
As for me, I still enjoy many of the same things I did in high school. I would much rather stay up late and pay for admission to a baseball game than sit around at a party. Much of my down time is spent reading or chatting with friends. And I've developed a work-out junkie habit in a few short weeks. Between all that, I don't have an interest or time for shenanigans.

light sensors

I have to spend an insane amount of time in the lab over the next week, and this is my first solid block of time. One thing that is peculiar about this room is the motion sensitive lights. If there isn't alot of movement for a certain length of time, they turn off. Off, off, not half the bulbs or dimmed, but off. So I have to sit here and wave my arms over my head in the direction of the door whenever they decide to black out. Its pretty amusing.

The Cross-Centered Life

If the gospel is the most vital news in the world, and if salvation by grace is the defining truth of our existence, we should create ways to immerse ourselves in these truths every day.
p. 54, C.J. Mahaney

the good days worth sticking around for

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I come and stand before him?
Day and night, I have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
"Where is this God of yours?"

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again –
my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you-
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
from the land of Mount Mizar.
I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.

"O God my rock," I cry,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?"
Their taunts break my bones.
They scoff, "Where is this God of yours?"

Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again –
my Savior and my God!

Psalm 42 NLT

nosefly

Yesterday, we were discussing how God compares us to sheep. Its interesting how far the analogy extends. Apparently, sheep are pestered with the nosefly that lays its eggs in mucuos membrane. The larvae burrow into their little heads, ick. The poor sheep try everything to get rid of them, including smashing their heads on any available hard object. This goes on until the larvae leave or the sheep pounds itself to death. Not a pretty picture. But a good shepherd pours ointment over the sheep's head to rid it of the nosefly.
I really wasn't getting the nosefly connection to a human and their relationship with the Lord as a shepherd. We don't have larvae digging into our brains or the complusion to purposefully hit our heads really hard. But! Noseflies can be thoughts, lies, circumstances, anything that we let burrow deep into our thought patterns. The things that we dwell on and beat ourselves up over. Usually we when decide its time to let it go, God does his work and provides the cure.
Not that being a sheep is all that flattering, I just appreciate God as a Shepherd for us.
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
-Psalm 23

one of the best inventions ever

you know the thing that allows you to pull out the kitchen sink faucet and its got the little hose that lets it extend. I'm not even sure what its called but its a miracle for dishwashing. love it!

before I sell back my textbook...

"He wanted to remain like that for ever, with his heart hurting him in a pain that was also life to him." -D. H. Lawrence, "The Horse Dealers Daughter"

"'The tragedy is not how one dies ,' he thought. 'It is how one lived.'" - Salman Rushdie, "Chekov and Zulu"

microvoids are cool

I realized that I don't express my gratefulness often enough. I am really good at complaining, but I've known that for a while now. So, here it is, some gratitude! And it even concerns the things I am filling my poor, tired brain with...
These images are taken on a fancy microscope (SEM) and I LOVE them. I didn't take them, but I think they are beautiful. They are both fracture surfaces of a 1018 steel tensile test. This is a cup and cone fracture characterized by all the microvoid coalescence (dimples). Each one of those is a little tiny particle nucleating, creating localized strain that leads to necking and fracture. Basically the material tears away in little sections from these voids. crazy huh?

can I . . .

just go to sleep, wake up, and have everything sorted out?

quotes from Amazing Grace (the movie)

''It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everybody else, and still unknown to himself." - Francis Bacon
"I'm a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." -John Newton
"God sometimes does His work with gentle drizzle, not storms." -John Newton

teach God

It is impossible not to teach children about God, because not to teach them is to teach them plenty. It teaches them that Jesus does not matter much, that Mom and Dad don't consider him nearly as important or exciting as new furniture, or weekends at the lake, or Dad's job or all the other things that fill their conversation. Silence about Christ is dogma. Not to teach the infinite value of Christ is to teach that he is negligible. -John Piper, Will the Next Generation Know
http://www.theresurgence.com/john_piper_1982-07-25_will_the_next_generation_know

obsession

"I can sing songs of death. I've seen a lot of it. But I'm obsessed with life."
-Johnny Cash

Maybe

I dwell on the past too much.
I am incapable of being detached from those who pay attention.
I've forgotten the things that made me drawn to God.
it feels too late to try and start over again.
I'm best at fooling myself.
I don't understand a thing going on in my life.
Maybe I'm not supposed to.

its come up multiple times already today, and I'm not entirely sure why...

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. -Romans 8:1&2

Psalm 91

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. 8 But you will see it with your eyes; you will see how the wicked are punished. If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone. You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation."

orphan

"That is a BRIGHT orange shirt."
Luckily, I like orange although I don't get the chance to wear it that often except for the last two days. There have been 700 orange "orphan" shirts roaming about campus. Why? I wasn't sure at first either and was quite skeptical. Until a friend set me straight and I caught the vision. So, these shirts are to raise awareness for children in Africa orphaned by AIDS. Something I don't know a whole lot about or experienced personally. But I am continually learning about compassion and how it plays out in my life. So if its as simple as hurting for people across the world, wearing the same shirt for two days(don't worry I washed it in between :), and explaining to others that the "Experience Africa" tent is coming to campus next week - I can manage. Its even a little uncomfortable at times but that is what stretching is all about. Check it out.
impact1.org