my love language

According to this online quizhttp://edified.org/myspace/lovelanguage...
Your Detailed Results:
Physical Touch: 12
Quality Time: 6
Acts of Service: 6
Words of Affirmation: 5
Receiving Gifts: 1

wasn't expecting that one.

"Which is better: cheap happiness or sublime suffering?"

"What concerns me in particular, is that in my life I've only taken to the extreme that which you haven't even dared to take halfway; what's more, you've mistaken your cowardice for good sense; and, in so deceiving yourself, you've consoled yourself. So, in fact, I may even be 'more alive' than you are. Just take a closer look!"
-Notes From Underground by Dostoevsky

nevermind

sometimes i forget that God finds me completely irresistable. Sometimes i get caught feeling too much. Sometimes I need to remember my own advice - no one is rejecting you because God has got his Almighty hands wrapped tightly around your heart and future. Maybe things can't be peachy all the time but when was that EVER promised to you.

worth fighting for

"Mother Kite once sent her daughter to bring food. She went and brought back a duckling. 'You have done very well,' said Mother Kite to her daughter, 'but tell me, what did the mother of this duckling say when you swooped and carried its child away?' 'It said nothing,' replied the young kite. 'It just walked away.' 'You must return the duckling,' said Mother Kite. 'There is something omnious behind the silence.' And so Daughter Kite returned the duckling and took a chick instead. 'What did the mother of this chick do?' asked the old kite. 'It cried and raved and cursed me,' said the young kite. 'Then we can eat the chick,' said her mother. 'There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts.'"
-Achebe, Things Fall Apart

ouchie

sometimes i wonder if God is holding back on me. sometimes i have a hard time believing that not having something is actually better for me. sometimes i hurt too much about little things.

oh, english

if spouse is like mouse, and mouses are mice, are spouses spice?

spiders!

A week ago, there was a gigantic spider in our living room. I am talking big and black and spidery. There was no way I could reach and no reason that I would actually want to. After some scheming, I had a broom handle ready for attack and stood on our step stool ladder. He fell down the wall. Trust me, there was plenty of squealing and raid-spraying involved in about 30 seconds, I nicknamed him Goliath, who still remains at large in our living room to this day. All I kept thinking was how I needed a warrior to take care of the situation.
This morning, Goliath's little nephew was in my closet. No screeching involved this time. And a successful kill too, if I am allowed to boast like that.

one down!

I have completed a newspaper crossword puzzle for the first time ever. With K's help and Google as our resource. But seriously, some intense brain power was at work. Plus we learned alot and expanded our vocabulary!

hard?

That's not usually the reposnse you hear after a retreat weekend. And it wasn't even super challenging, although I didn't mind all the relaxing and advice that came my way. Lately, its just been such a struggle to feel anything. I still read and sing, but its just a process of going through the motions. At times, I feel like a parrot sharing spiritual truths with people without actually believing it deep inside myself. Its not necessarily a period of doubt either, because I still have to acknowledge God's creation, work and presence. But I am so far from His presence. There is no reponse within my heart or desire within my soul to keep searching for Him. Someone made the comment about making a list of everything you enjoy about God and that brings you closer again t Him after a period of doubt and drought. But in the desert, is there actually anything that I do still enjoy or place full faith in? The list should be endless, but everything that has popped into my head has also been shot down. And the other problem, how much of my struggle am I supposed to share with others? I am supposed to be a leader and its hard to admit the sin in my life to people that look up to me. No one around me has the time or advice to help me through it, so God has to bring me through the storm and then they can all share the victory beside me.

modesty

What an eye opener...
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
guys, check it out to sign the petition.
girls, browse through it to get a better understanding of modesty. Get ready to be convicted!

golden anniversary

I want to make it to fifty years. Of something. It doesn't even have to be marriage. Just a committment that I have followed through with for half a century. What an accomplishment. Right now, I can't even see the point of getting a degree in five years. Much less that large of a dedication. Geez, no wonder I am not ready to be out on my own. Or to be tearing someone else down beside me.
A few other thoughts...
Am I really that much like my mother that we ALWAYS fight?
Why is that the people I love the most make me the most upset?
How am I going to complete even half of the things I am expected to do in the time I have?

alone

In a room filled with people I know, surrounded by dozens of friends, yet all by myself.

not fit

So there are these verses in the Bible that say not to let people look down on you for being young. But that isn't the case. Its not even feelings of inadequacy. Its just a lack of feeling. There is nothing there. I can say all the right things and make it look like I am solid in my relationship with God. But it is so far from the truth. Last night I couldn't sleep. Some things were bugging me so I curled up in a ball, let God have a piece of my mind, and cried. Just wept like I can't remember the last time. I haven't received any thundering responses yet. Basically I still know what I am called to as of this moment (be a student, work a little, etc.). I just keeping thinking how easy it is to give up rather than give in to all this fake happiness stuff. Am I really entertaining thoughts of suicide when I realize how simple it is to pull into oncoming traffic? The thing is I am way too rational to even do such a thing so no worries about my personal safety, or the safety of others around me for that matter. But who actually has these things run through their mind. Therefore. Leadership would be bad for an individual in this condition. Whatever condition I'm in. The sooner I figure it out, the better, then I can fix this.

imitation

I am so good at faking it you have no idea. The thing is, as far as I can tell, everyone buys it. I am so weak that I will not ask for help or admit to failure. I used to blame my pride for problems like this. But let's be honest, my weakness silently muffles its scream at times like this. I am so frightened of being vulnerable with someone that God forbid they might understand and have pity. So I manage on my own. Distancing myself from the possibility of emotional intimacy. Aren't girls supposed to be good at talking through things and explaining exactly what is troubling their minds. Somewhere along the way, I missed that part of life training. I must have been playing with test tubes or something.
Supposedly, the solution I should be looking for is a break. You know, a real, lounge, unwind, veg break. As if I didn't just have one of those for three weeks. Sounds like a long enough break for a grown individual. At this point in life, I don't have that freedom to get away from everything. Actually, I doubt there will ever be a point that 'spontaneous vacation' is even a remote possibility. Sure, I could go home and never take off my pajamas, while everyone else is traveling or improving our community. And that's not even more depressing or convicting?
Whatever, I just wait for the next good day to come along then I can get by for a while.

Why live life from dream to dream?

There are a billion things in this world I don't understand and can't explain. Pretty much at the top of my list are my own conflicting emotions. I can't really even explain it. Its all the strange thoughts floating around in my head. Thoughts that give me anxiety attacks, make start to break down for no decent reason, or just create a general feeling of tiredness. I can't perform as well, work as fast, or sleep as little. I no longer enjoy the things that usually bring me fulfillment and joy. I have become such an introvert, and seclusion that I haven't forced myself into for years. All I want to do is spend day and night sleeping. I suppose the easy answer would be to get over and push every weakness aside. Or the obvious answer, that God should be my only source of fulfillment and joy so my life and emptiness is simply a justification of something I've known all along just decide not to apply. Since, none of this makes any sense I should really get ahold of myself.
PS- I'm not even talking about anything drastic. Well, besides another night of teary worries before drifting off to sleep.

dentist

*dec05*
Dental Hygenist: "If you don't floss, you are going to get cavities between your teeth."
I've flossed every night since then.

*dec06*
Dental Hygenist: "If you don't aggressively floss your gums, you are going to develop gingivitis."

I was never scared of the dentist even though they yanked out four perfectly good teeth. They just know how to effectively threaten you into action.

Mary Poppins

"Practically perfect people never let sentiment muddle their thinking."

grades

just hanging on to that 3.0
thank goodness

colorgenics

You don't need anxiety and problems. All you really seek is a conflict free environment which can offer peace and mental security. You don't like the idea of being alone and, whatever the reason, at this time of your life you feel as if you are being 'left out'. What you really need is perhaps some 'tender loving care'.

Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

~I just stumbled across this new personality test kinda skeptical but the weird thing is how accurate this is...

I am scared.

I fear...
rejection,
hurt,
and most of all, being loved back.

I have no idea what I am doing. I am tired of feeling this way. Frustrated from this rollercoaster ride filled with smiles and lots of doubt.