Ongoing great quotes from The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

"It is curious how sometimes the memory of death lives on for so much longer than the memory of the life that it purloined."

"She had absurdly beautiful collarbones and a nice athletic run."

"That the emptiness in one twin was only a version of the quietness in the other. That the two things fitted together. Like stacked spoons. Like familiar lovers' bodies."

"Ammu checked them for deformities before she closed her eyes and slept. She counted four eyes, four ears, two mouths, two noses, twenty fingers and twenty perfect toe-nails."

"The twin were too young to understand all this, so Baby Kochamma grudged them their moments of high happiness when a dragonfly they'd caught lifted a small stone off their palms with its legs, or when they had permission to bathe the pigs, or they found an egg hot from a hen. But most of all, she grudged them the comfort they drew from each other. She expected from then some token unhappiness. At the very least."

"'But we can't go in,' Chacko explained, 'because we're locked out. And when we look in through the windows, all we see are shadows. And when we try and listen, all we hear is a whispering. And we cannot understand the whispering, because our minds have been invaded by war. A war that we have won and lost. The very worst sort of war. A war that captures dreams and re-dreams them. A war that has made us adore our conquerors and despise ourselves.' ... 'We're prisoners of War,' Chacko said. "Our dreams have been doctored. We belong nowhere. We sail unanchored on troubled seas. We may never be allowed ashore. Our sorrows will never be sad enough. Our joys never happy enough. Our dreams never big enough. Our lives never important enough. To matter.'"

"This was the trouble with families. Like invidious doctors, they knew just where it hurt."

"... he wobbled off with less than half the money he had asked for and less than a tenth of what he deserved."

"The obsessive cleanliness of the room was the only positive sign of volition from Estha. The only faint suggestion that he had, perhaps, some Design for Life. Just the whisper of an unwillingness to subsist on scraps offered by others."

"The slow ceiling fan sliced the thick, frightened air into an unending spiral that spun slowly to the floor like the peeled skin of an endless potato."

all because I am procrastinating on a paper due by midnight...

major change? or major focus?

So, I've decided I'm not so sure about my major anymore. Along the lines of not wanting to be an engineer anymore. But it almost feels too late. I've put in over three years worth toward this degree and nothing at this point, nothing is gonna stop me. There is too much sleep-deprivation, sweat, tears, and stress to let it all go to waste.
Its just after working this summer as an intern. Which was an awesome expereience and even though it wasn't technically an engineering internship I realized I don't want to do that for the rest of my life. (They really just need somebody comfortable with Excel and is pretty sharp with their technical skills.) I just don't want the rest of my life to take place behind a desk. So there are a lot of ideas floating around in my mind. Most of which I'm not comfortable sharing with everyone. When I say that I don't really want to be an engineer anymore, people always jump to asking what I'm going to switch my major to. But I just like to think of it as narrowing down my decision of a career in my major.

the English language

A couple of definitions courtesy of dictionary.com:
~Infinite - immeasurably great, or unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration of time, etc.
~Infinitesimal - indefinitely or exceedingly small, minute, or immeasurably small
My point: I've come to realize that it bothers me that the root word of infinitesimal is infinite when they mean completely contradictory things.
Not that it skews space-time continuum or anything. Just an observation and questioning that only lasted about .342 seconds. But enough of a thought to blog about it. Not that any part of my life actually deserves a reader or commentary to begin with. So thanks for your participation.

love it! :)

Singleness...

"and all else that is less than perfect in this world, was not God's original plan for his creation. It was one of the many results of man's fall. Thus Jesus' singleness would not be sin but a participation in the calamities of the fallen world, like his morality." -Margaret Clarkson, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

socializing

When did the rules change from "don't talk to strangers" to "be able to initiate sparkling conversation with random-person-next-to-you-in-line"? I happen to be really comfortable and capable with the first rule but haven't made the switch to scenario two yet.

observations

* People park the worst when going to the gym.
* I drove by some roadkill on my way home. It was some kind of a bird, and the way it was laying on the road, the wing flapped everytime a car passed by. Is it extremely weird and rotten that this was amusing to me?
* People assume a lot about you from your car.
* As much as those special cardio machines are designed to burn calories faster, I still love the feeling of pounding out my stress and worries by running - outside preferably but a treadmill will do.

my love language

According to this online quizhttp://edified.org/myspace/lovelanguage...
Your Detailed Results:
Physical Touch: 12
Quality Time: 6
Acts of Service: 6
Words of Affirmation: 5
Receiving Gifts: 1

wasn't expecting that one.

"Which is better: cheap happiness or sublime suffering?"

"What concerns me in particular, is that in my life I've only taken to the extreme that which you haven't even dared to take halfway; what's more, you've mistaken your cowardice for good sense; and, in so deceiving yourself, you've consoled yourself. So, in fact, I may even be 'more alive' than you are. Just take a closer look!"
-Notes From Underground by Dostoevsky

nevermind

sometimes i forget that God finds me completely irresistable. Sometimes i get caught feeling too much. Sometimes I need to remember my own advice - no one is rejecting you because God has got his Almighty hands wrapped tightly around your heart and future. Maybe things can't be peachy all the time but when was that EVER promised to you.

worth fighting for

"Mother Kite once sent her daughter to bring food. She went and brought back a duckling. 'You have done very well,' said Mother Kite to her daughter, 'but tell me, what did the mother of this duckling say when you swooped and carried its child away?' 'It said nothing,' replied the young kite. 'It just walked away.' 'You must return the duckling,' said Mother Kite. 'There is something omnious behind the silence.' And so Daughter Kite returned the duckling and took a chick instead. 'What did the mother of this chick do?' asked the old kite. 'It cried and raved and cursed me,' said the young kite. 'Then we can eat the chick,' said her mother. 'There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts.'"
-Achebe, Things Fall Apart

ouchie

sometimes i wonder if God is holding back on me. sometimes i have a hard time believing that not having something is actually better for me. sometimes i hurt too much about little things.

oh, english

if spouse is like mouse, and mouses are mice, are spouses spice?

spiders!

A week ago, there was a gigantic spider in our living room. I am talking big and black and spidery. There was no way I could reach and no reason that I would actually want to. After some scheming, I had a broom handle ready for attack and stood on our step stool ladder. He fell down the wall. Trust me, there was plenty of squealing and raid-spraying involved in about 30 seconds, I nicknamed him Goliath, who still remains at large in our living room to this day. All I kept thinking was how I needed a warrior to take care of the situation.
This morning, Goliath's little nephew was in my closet. No screeching involved this time. And a successful kill too, if I am allowed to boast like that.

one down!

I have completed a newspaper crossword puzzle for the first time ever. With K's help and Google as our resource. But seriously, some intense brain power was at work. Plus we learned alot and expanded our vocabulary!

hard?

That's not usually the reposnse you hear after a retreat weekend. And it wasn't even super challenging, although I didn't mind all the relaxing and advice that came my way. Lately, its just been such a struggle to feel anything. I still read and sing, but its just a process of going through the motions. At times, I feel like a parrot sharing spiritual truths with people without actually believing it deep inside myself. Its not necessarily a period of doubt either, because I still have to acknowledge God's creation, work and presence. But I am so far from His presence. There is no reponse within my heart or desire within my soul to keep searching for Him. Someone made the comment about making a list of everything you enjoy about God and that brings you closer again t Him after a period of doubt and drought. But in the desert, is there actually anything that I do still enjoy or place full faith in? The list should be endless, but everything that has popped into my head has also been shot down. And the other problem, how much of my struggle am I supposed to share with others? I am supposed to be a leader and its hard to admit the sin in my life to people that look up to me. No one around me has the time or advice to help me through it, so God has to bring me through the storm and then they can all share the victory beside me.

modesty

What an eye opener...
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
guys, check it out to sign the petition.
girls, browse through it to get a better understanding of modesty. Get ready to be convicted!

golden anniversary

I want to make it to fifty years. Of something. It doesn't even have to be marriage. Just a committment that I have followed through with for half a century. What an accomplishment. Right now, I can't even see the point of getting a degree in five years. Much less that large of a dedication. Geez, no wonder I am not ready to be out on my own. Or to be tearing someone else down beside me.
A few other thoughts...
Am I really that much like my mother that we ALWAYS fight?
Why is that the people I love the most make me the most upset?
How am I going to complete even half of the things I am expected to do in the time I have?

alone

In a room filled with people I know, surrounded by dozens of friends, yet all by myself.

not fit

So there are these verses in the Bible that say not to let people look down on you for being young. But that isn't the case. Its not even feelings of inadequacy. Its just a lack of feeling. There is nothing there. I can say all the right things and make it look like I am solid in my relationship with God. But it is so far from the truth. Last night I couldn't sleep. Some things were bugging me so I curled up in a ball, let God have a piece of my mind, and cried. Just wept like I can't remember the last time. I haven't received any thundering responses yet. Basically I still know what I am called to as of this moment (be a student, work a little, etc.). I just keeping thinking how easy it is to give up rather than give in to all this fake happiness stuff. Am I really entertaining thoughts of suicide when I realize how simple it is to pull into oncoming traffic? The thing is I am way too rational to even do such a thing so no worries about my personal safety, or the safety of others around me for that matter. But who actually has these things run through their mind. Therefore. Leadership would be bad for an individual in this condition. Whatever condition I'm in. The sooner I figure it out, the better, then I can fix this.