modesty

What an eye opener...
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
guys, check it out to sign the petition.
girls, browse through it to get a better understanding of modesty. Get ready to be convicted!

golden anniversary

I want to make it to fifty years. Of something. It doesn't even have to be marriage. Just a committment that I have followed through with for half a century. What an accomplishment. Right now, I can't even see the point of getting a degree in five years. Much less that large of a dedication. Geez, no wonder I am not ready to be out on my own. Or to be tearing someone else down beside me.
A few other thoughts...
Am I really that much like my mother that we ALWAYS fight?
Why is that the people I love the most make me the most upset?
How am I going to complete even half of the things I am expected to do in the time I have?

alone

In a room filled with people I know, surrounded by dozens of friends, yet all by myself.

not fit

So there are these verses in the Bible that say not to let people look down on you for being young. But that isn't the case. Its not even feelings of inadequacy. Its just a lack of feeling. There is nothing there. I can say all the right things and make it look like I am solid in my relationship with God. But it is so far from the truth. Last night I couldn't sleep. Some things were bugging me so I curled up in a ball, let God have a piece of my mind, and cried. Just wept like I can't remember the last time. I haven't received any thundering responses yet. Basically I still know what I am called to as of this moment (be a student, work a little, etc.). I just keeping thinking how easy it is to give up rather than give in to all this fake happiness stuff. Am I really entertaining thoughts of suicide when I realize how simple it is to pull into oncoming traffic? The thing is I am way too rational to even do such a thing so no worries about my personal safety, or the safety of others around me for that matter. But who actually has these things run through their mind. Therefore. Leadership would be bad for an individual in this condition. Whatever condition I'm in. The sooner I figure it out, the better, then I can fix this.

imitation

I am so good at faking it you have no idea. The thing is, as far as I can tell, everyone buys it. I am so weak that I will not ask for help or admit to failure. I used to blame my pride for problems like this. But let's be honest, my weakness silently muffles its scream at times like this. I am so frightened of being vulnerable with someone that God forbid they might understand and have pity. So I manage on my own. Distancing myself from the possibility of emotional intimacy. Aren't girls supposed to be good at talking through things and explaining exactly what is troubling their minds. Somewhere along the way, I missed that part of life training. I must have been playing with test tubes or something.
Supposedly, the solution I should be looking for is a break. You know, a real, lounge, unwind, veg break. As if I didn't just have one of those for three weeks. Sounds like a long enough break for a grown individual. At this point in life, I don't have that freedom to get away from everything. Actually, I doubt there will ever be a point that 'spontaneous vacation' is even a remote possibility. Sure, I could go home and never take off my pajamas, while everyone else is traveling or improving our community. And that's not even more depressing or convicting?
Whatever, I just wait for the next good day to come along then I can get by for a while.

Why live life from dream to dream?

There are a billion things in this world I don't understand and can't explain. Pretty much at the top of my list are my own conflicting emotions. I can't really even explain it. Its all the strange thoughts floating around in my head. Thoughts that give me anxiety attacks, make start to break down for no decent reason, or just create a general feeling of tiredness. I can't perform as well, work as fast, or sleep as little. I no longer enjoy the things that usually bring me fulfillment and joy. I have become such an introvert, and seclusion that I haven't forced myself into for years. All I want to do is spend day and night sleeping. I suppose the easy answer would be to get over and push every weakness aside. Or the obvious answer, that God should be my only source of fulfillment and joy so my life and emptiness is simply a justification of something I've known all along just decide not to apply. Since, none of this makes any sense I should really get ahold of myself.
PS- I'm not even talking about anything drastic. Well, besides another night of teary worries before drifting off to sleep.